When in a rut (go back »)

July 6 2008, 2:22 AM

Friday, June 20^th, 2008.

When in a rut, one is forced to re-evaluate. We must re-evaluate everything that we know, trust and believe at that point and question it, question everything about it-and more importantly, listen to the answers that we find, or that find us.

When we re-evaluate, we must find those answers on our own. We can listen to healthy outside influences, but only we know our true selves, our true core. When questioning everything around and inside us, we need to separate ourselves from what we’re questioning.

I’m in a rut. I’m stuck. Therefore, I need to follow the steps to take when stuck. I need to follow them-actually buckle down and follow them. So, I’m separating myself first. Separating myself from what I think and feel and know to find out what I truly think and feel and know. So, here goes…

First thing is first, I need to ask myself who I am. Not who I was, who I want to be-who I am right now so that I can figure out who I will be. But to figure out who I am, I need to figure out what I need, what I want, and what my purpose is. I know that I need the same things as everyone else-love, support, guidance, appreciation and experience. Do I have those things? If so, do I acknowledge and appreciate if I do have them? As far as appreciation and experience…well, I have those, but there is always room for improvement. I have love, support, and guidance for sure from those who are closest to me and care about me the most. Maybe that’s one of my answers to who I am-someone who has everything but truly appreciates nothing.

That brings me to my next point: who are those who are closest to me, who really and truly care about me the most? It’s easy to play the victim instead of owning up to not giving enough credit to those who have been and always will be there for me. Sometimes, yes, they will hurt me, and I them. That’s an unfortunate part of life. But it’s how we overcome that that separates those who are true and permanent from those who are only in our lives for a season. It’s easy to take for granted those who are permanent and hold those who are seasonal up to a higher regard-at least for me, because I don’t like change. I do, but I don’t. It’s hard for me to give up relationships I’ve established and move on. But it’s easy to be excited about the future, too, no matter what we have to sacrifice to get there. It’s also hard to accept those sacrifices that we make and also accept when we are sacrificed as well.

That’s another thing about me that is hard to accept: I can be naïve. It’s not easy to accept because I like to pride myself upon my wisdom. But the wisdom I’ve acquired is not nearly as grand as I thought. In the real scheme of things, 18 years of wisdom isn’t that much of an accomplishment. It is, in a sense, because I pride myself on what I’ve learned so far. But I’ve recently learned that I need to learn that I don’t know everything. That I’ll never know everything. That I don’t need to know everything. And that I need to learn to be okay with that.

Back to the naïve part: recent and past experiences taught me that I need to keep my eyes peeled more and actually allow myself to listen to and trust my instincts. It’s hard for me because I ultimately see the good in people and hope for the best for them, which can blind me from their flaws, their badness, so to speak. So what did I do after I got for seeing past that and seeing into the good? I put up a shell, a shell that shielded me not from pain, but from truth. Shields only cover, they don’t mold or change. Also, shells can be broken-have you ever cracked an egg? Well, that’s how my shell was, or is. I’ve softened it, but it’s still there a bit. I think we all have a bit of a shell, because no one likes being openly vulnerable.

What do I want? I know I want happiness. I want self-worth. I want to touch the lives of others in a positive way. I want to have all the things I need. I want to be appreciative of everything I have. I want to have goals and a purpose and figure out just what it is I’m doing. I want to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good girlfriend and wife and mother in the future, and I want to be a good person. I want to not just be a good person for everyone else and meet their expectations-I want to find out what my own expectations for myself are and then reach to achieve them. I want to figure out who I am so that I can figure out who I want to be and who I will ultimately become.

Okay, that’s a long list of wants. It’s a long list, but a necessary and honest one.

How do I go about getting what I want?

I just sat and stared at that sentence for about five minutes. I don’t exactly know the answer to that. I guess I’ll have to accept the coming change and emerge into it a new person. Well, not totally new, because I kind of like who I am now, but a newer, improved version of myself.

What do I have to give up to achieve that? Who do I have to give up to achieve that? What else am I going to have to learn? Who and what is going to affect me?

There I go being a question box again.

One more question: what is my purpose? What do I want my purpose to be? I’ll start with what I know: I know that I want to have a purpose, a positive one. I want my success to bring others success. I want to help others. I want to save lives, whether it is in my career, my actions, words, thoughts, or just everyday life. I want to be an inspiration. I want to be wanted, to be needed, to be loved, to be appreciated, to be known, to experience, to feel, to discern, to grow, to change, to have the answers, to ultimately find a purpose and find a way to change this world for the better, to make the world a better place just by being in it. I want to find someone who does the same, but not yet.

Actually, why not now? What’s holding me back, logic? And what I think is right? No, I can’t have that. What’s the point of life and learning if we never experience things? Who am I to decide when the time is right? Life happens, and it’s random and it’s messy and it’s beautiful all at the same time. I can’t control life, and it can’t control me. It’s just a series of events that occur which define us, change us. I don’t necessarily want to find someone, or be found. I want us to find each other, in whichever way that it happens. I want to stop being scared of letting someone in, of being vulnerable. It’s easier to stay alone and have a random smattering of nothingness. But I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want the random smattering. I want the real thing, whatever or whoever it might be. I want to find him and in turn be found by him.

So basically, I want to learn how to accept things instead of fight them. I want to learn how to let go, how to love, and how to be loved. And, I want to find ways to get all-or most-of the things I want, which are a lot, as you can see.

Who am I? I am me. I am indefinable. I am not just strong, I am a woman of strength. I am a woman who has love and support and is finally seeing that. I am a person who is proactively going to make changes. I am figuring out who I am. And, I am deciding to love every minute of it.

In Me

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